Truth is the method of defense.

So my best friend is going through a not so great time in her life, and is unable to vent about the people that are making her life miserable, becuase she is surrounded by them each and every day. She announces to me that she is goign to make a livejounral as her outlet, so i can read about all her fun adventures and what not there. I couldnt believe it! i sort of miss talking on here, and venting, and whining, bc then im not subjecitng anyone to my ailments. if your interestes, read it. if not, then don't. pretty straightforward. Pretty simple. And i like the sound of that. So guess what, I'm back!

so, basically, here is the last half hour or so of my life: spring break has been completely cancelled, and any prospect of leavign my room over the next ten days has been abolished. my mom is taking high school so much more seriously than i am. in all honesty, i really actually just do not care anymore. im not surprised either, or that upset, i guess because i knew that going away was too good to be true. story of my life , no? everything keeps unfolding this way: tings get so good then they just collapse. and look what i have to show for it: a ton of clothes ill never wear, a bioethics paper, an arrested cell phone that ive already stolen back, a history paper, 4 job interviews, and a messy room. great. im not at all surprised, my mom's a fucking fruitcake when it comes to making plans. oh wait, i didnt get a laptop either. yeah, so im stuck with nothing. this is just going to be school but without getting dressed in the morning. the worst part, if this situation could get any worse, is that my parents took off from work. so theyre going to be breathing down my neck all vacation. i dont know, whatever, im sailing the hell out of my house when i graduate and never looking back. the pain jsut isnt worth it.
i cant do anything right for anybody but myself anymore. like at the moment im perfectly happy, and i have absolutely no reason in the world to be. i got a 67 on my JS quiz, an obscene amount of work, and i miss nigel. ugh i miss him so much. and theres no reason for it. no one calls anymore to say hi, no one who calls on friday at 5 to say my house or yours? and no one to give affection to. yup. all alone, and it blows. and of course, im beginning to wonder if i like last years boy toy again. i dont know, maybe its jsut because i trust him. maybe its because i love him. or maybe its because i cant see not beign with him, even though i never was. ive even lost my incentive to do things i used to crave; i never erg, i never run, i dont paint anymore, and i dont draw. thats what hurts me the most, not having any motivation to do what i love. i miss having someone to trust, i miss making music and art, and i miss my baby. god dammit, i miss him so much. ive succeeded in putting up a wall between the outside world and myself. im numb to everything. i havent looked in a mirror in two days. reason for my hair not being stick straight. yeah, i dont even have motivation for that. i thought this break was all id need to swing back into my normal routine, and now its gone. im exhausted, my life is one long boring routine of the same old nothing. and i want all of it to just go away. now i cant wiat for my break to end, and ive been on break for 2 hours and 8 minutes. 5:08 pm. this will be a long ten days. id kill for a normal life, just once. just once in my life. adn now of course everyones gonan think im a liar because i didnt go away. i hate this world that i live in. its all the same, day after day...when does it end?

Current Mood: numb
Current Music: none

feeling very chatty tonight.

i guess, realistically, it hit me for the first time today: that even the strongest foundations can fall, and everything is apt to change-- even when you dont want it to, especially when your not expecting it to. that makes me sound naiive, that i didnt think life caused changes, but this was something that i just wasnt expecting. people change, yes, thats obvious; but complete personality transformations-- to the point where you cant even recognize them? things that happened today really made me step back and think about how precious every moment is. ugh thats so cliche its disgusting, and it makes me want to gag because i just said that, but, unfortunately, its true.
i hated it, but i miss it: the pleated skirts, the 10-stripe sweater, the loius vuitton ties, the hummers, haha i miss it all. and when mr. goens gave me a huge hug, i realized that maybe i gave up too easily. but maybe not, you have your good moments and your bad ones, and you jus have to decide which ones are worth keeping, and which ones are worth sacraficing. life's all about choices, and how the choices we make affect not only our ultimate destination, but how we get there. if theres anything ive learned so far this year, its mr. mclaughlin's "the journey is the destination" line. at first, haha ill be honest, i thought he was full of shit. but as things begin to unfold, and the future becomes the present, you realize the truth in that statement.


music is a very powerful thing. its theraputic, but at the same time, the lyrics or the song itself can just jog a million memories. today in the car, for instance, i was listening to some new mariah carey song on my mom's radio station (we alternate radio station days), there was some line in it about being on the phone all night. only one thing came to mind: niko pappas. well of course that brought back all my summer memories, mostly ones that are painful now. oh, mr. david shaw, how your name just pops up all over the place. lauren just brought you up in our conversation as well. ironic, no? well that might not make as much sense to anyone as it does to me...people dont realize that dave and niko are like one person, or, they used to be. but of course that changed too. but "talking on the phone with you till sunrise" describes only half of my summer days, miss carey forgot that i spent all day on the phone with him as well. the painful shaw-memory package was almost too overwhelming for 7 o clock this morning, so i pulled out my ipod and just pushed play. that savage garden song came on, crash and burn. and of course, all i could think about then was nigel. i miss him, only becuase he and i were good friends, on top of our relationship. and just the romance ened, didnt mean i had to lose a friend too. but i guess things happen that way, you cant have everything you want. i cant call him either, becuase, im not entirely sure if i want him back as a friend, because im not entirely sure i could handle it.
then theres alex. i miss her so much. thats the only thing i really miss about episcopal, is her. i couldnt imagine life without her, and i miss her crazy laugh, and her crazy asian dance. i miss sitting at home on a saturday night watching jet music videos and eating nachos. haha, i even miss listening to the spice girls with her. i remember this one night, my sister got me really upset over some stupid rumor, and of course, i overreacted like crazy. i called my iglymoog, and 10 minutes later she was sitting with her arms around me, and she as crying too, making an absolute fool of herself just to make me feel better. then, then we jumped around my room to wannabe and my grandma came upstairs and yelled at us for being too loud. then seh asked alex if she was smart, and turned right around to me and said "only hang out with smart people, elisabeth, beacause you wont get anywhere in life unless you do". today in the car, we were talking about ultimate, and the great days of our ultimate frisbee team. and the fact that we got the weight room priveledges taken away...only because of our photoshoots (which, by the way, they only put up the ugly pictures). i feel like ive changed so much since then, i thought for the better, but now i think for the worst. i dont even knwo what i think anymore, because both past and present have had so many fluxuations, i cant tell which one i prefer at this point.
things have changed, adn their gonna keep changing. just accept them and move on, i suppose. almost like a packing list, to continue moving forward: all you can carry are the memories you can fit into one suitcase: orlando bloom fellatio, missing breakfast and dinner in washington dc due to a hair or makeup crisis. maybe a few more, but for now, maybe thats all i need.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: wannabe (only for iglymoog)

it's funny sometimes. nigel is what drove me away from this journal, and its what drove me right back. its been almost two weeks since ive written in this journal, itll be two weeks on monday. well, that didnt last long, now did it.
a guess a quick recap? last week was fine, i didnt find nigels ring on monday, and i just gave up, and stopped caring. i decided that it would be best to be alone now. well, that didnt last long either. yup, friday billy came over, and we canoodled, and i got my very first spiderman kiss. he called me again that sunday and monday, but then the calls stopped. monday was stressful, night before big math test number two. managed to pull off another A+, dont ask me where that one came from becuase i couldnt tell you, even if i wanted to. thursday sucked, but the only reason i got through it was because we didnt have school on friday, and billy was going to come over saturday night. whatever, so friday i did homework, saturday i finished whatever was left. re called and invited me out. i said okay, thinking billy would come with us? pffft, just kidding. i called him up to let him know that change of plans, and he had forgotten. greatttt. i got ditched for chinese food and a massage chair.
last night i went to wayne with rouch, re, and luke. it was alright, but i was bored out of my mind. whatever, i got myself into it i was just gonna have to stick it out. and then, when we were just leaving guess who...mr. terry herr was standing in the lobby of the theater. yup. nigels dad. with his girlfriend, maria. it was the awkwardest moment ive ever had to endure in my life. what the hell was i supposed to do? he was looking right at me. so i waved hiadn the two of them stared me down liek i was some dirty, fat, ugly, disgusting whore that had to be removed from their sight immediately. almost wanted to remind them that nigels the one that dumped me? ughh it was just not a good moment. and the problem was that there was no one there to talk to, because no one understands how awful it was to be seen by those two. i tried calling a million people, no one was answering their phones. theres panim el panim this weekend, and for all the kids that didnt go on that theres spring convention, and it was a saturday night, so everyone else was out. billy called me back hoursss later when i was in the car, so i said id call him back. guess the boy didnt like that so much, he didnt answer when i got home. i couldnt sleep, everything was just too overwhelming almost, like there was too many things to be worried about at once. first it was nigel, then billy, then some of the things i talked about to re, then all the work i felt like i had. i was feeling realll shitty, so i just wanted to worry abotu everything in the morning, but my cell started to ring. thinking it was billy, i went dashing to get the phone, but it wasnt. haha, of all people it was anthony. we talked until late, but the conversation made me feel better, and i was able to drift off to sleep. what a comfort, knowing that when you feel like everything sucks, theres always going to be one person who is willing to listen.

havent talk to anybody but kaplan since prom. hope it was fun you guys, and i hope panim/convention was greatt.

ugh what a weekend, its time for things to turn around again.

Current Mood: moody
Current Music: you'll be in my heart

its officially over.

no ifs, ands, or buts, and no turning back now. billy gave me my hint, and the initiative to confront him. nigel, nigel, nigel...at least i wont be left to wonder anymore. he promised we'd stay friends though, we'll see how good he is at keeping his promises. when i left margret kuos, i was distraught, and the rain was pouring down. i was able to hide my tears from my dad. the whole way home i squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my lips tightly together...i didnt want to cry over him one more time. when i got out of the car, the rain had stopped, and it smelled like spring. it made me feel so much better, to know that spring was inevidable and that there was still hope.
talked to billy when it was all over. and to alex. improved my mood immensely. on teh phone with billy right now, hes watching boxing. douche bag.

BACK TO WORK, only 143 pages left ... yep. im toast.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: pink & black

maybe the moon will turn into a monkey, and fish will fly in the sky...

thats how everything feels right now: so surreal, so silly. im stuck at home doing work, so i can go out later today. if he calls. mom cancelled our trip to bermuda. instead theyre trying to make reservations at some ranch thing in georgia. its not even a ranch, its a private beach with a 40 horse stable. so this weekend was nothing like i expected it to be, and im learning quicky that nothing ever really out to be what you wanted it to. i used to be really good at predicting things, and figuring out how things would turn out. but now everythings upside-down. its all just one big mess.
i cant even describe how i feel. im on the outside looking in, laughing at how foolish i am. amused at my mistakes, wondering "what she'll do next". ive been reading sister of my heart all day for tmac's test tomorrow. still not even halfway through, but i guess i have another few hours before i get really frantic and overwhelmed. its driving me crazy that i cant concentrate. i still have that stupid "i would do anything for love" song stuck in my head, and its driving me insane. ever since i saw that damn dr. pepper commercial on comedy central on friday, i cant seem to knock it out of my head. i cant even control my thougths anymore, its making me nuts.
of course the first line in the next chapter of my book is "crazy love has just turned my world upside-down". that makes me so mad. dan's absolutely right: that i, and anyone else my age, is far too young to know what love actually is, but i cant think of anything else, because i dont know what else to call it. and i cant help but think that maybe i do know? i mean you have to figure it out at some point, no? even if i am though, i wouldnt admit it. every fairy-tale, every movie, every love story: the ones in love are weak, and they're together because they share the same weakness. tmac's deffinition of love is when you know more about the other person then they know about themselves. its all so confusing. the more i think about it the more confused i am. its like trying to remember a memory, the harder you try to remember the details, the faster they seem to slip away from you.

ugh, back to work...

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: i would do anything for love (surprised?)

he is just as pathetic as the rest of us. the difference is that he doesnt know it yet. he is so blinded by who he wants to become and how he sees himself, that he is neglecting to realize who he really is.

thanks max, for opening my eyes to how things really are.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: i would do anything for love -- meat loaf

so angry again, bet you can guess why.

yup. stupid english bitch. havent seen him in a week, so of course i called him tonight because i didnt have anything else to do. well since he is the gayest ass on earth he said he was too tired from going to new york (to get his hair done) and he was gonna stay in tonight. silly me, i bleieved him. so we're talking, exchanged a few mp3s, chitchatted and then he goes "hold on the other line is ringing"...so i wait and wait forever and he comes back and is like that was my cousin, im going over to their house tongiht. um, did he not say 2 seconds ago that he was too tired? so im like oh, okay. so now im pissed because i got ditched so that fuck up can dye easter eggs. fair enough, its easter tomorrow, understandable. so i called billy, to see what hes doing, because that kid tends to make his plans pretty last minute. WELL he says "hey sorry im with nigel and nathan right now, we're in the car going to a movie, ill call you when we get out, is that okay?"
so, lucky me, here i am once again completely alone on a saturday night. and the fuck up thinks we're chilling tomorrow. and i wish i could tell you he is wrong. but he's not. knowing me ill jump at any chance i have to see him. great. once again i manage to find the lowest scumbag on earth to fall for. dammit.
so, yep. all alone, and i dont know what to do. my parents are out too...because they thought i was going out. i guess ill just go do work. in case nigel keeps his word for once in his life and calls to chill tomorrow. i bet he'll forget or have something else to do.
i hate being this vulnerable. its like this crazy, vicious cycle that never ends. every road i take, every decision i make always ends up in me getting hurt. why does this keep happening to me?

its 10:15 at the moment and i just got my second emotional shock tonight: as if things could get any worse. he likes someone else. but he does. that makes me sick. just sick. what am i suposed to do? what am i suposed to say? i dont even know what i want, and i dont know if i ever will. everything keeps changing. i have no foundation to stand on. my feeble walls are collapsing around me, and theres no where to go from here...

Current Mood: numb
Current Music: desperately wanting

and i would do anything for love, but i wont do that...

arrghh, ive had that song stuck in my head all day! yesterday was the purim celebration at school. not even close to fun, but i did have an excuse to by my own little gentile self and wear my old uniform for the letter "U", co i guess it wasnt so bad. went out afterwards with mom and dad, and talked to alex on her delayed plane flight for about 40 minutes until the food came. went home and did work. exciting, no? found out nige was going into NYC today to get his hair done, haha what a metro. wanna see him tonight, bet he looks good without that ridiculous bush he had growing on his head.
today: slept laaaate. downloaded rach's music onto my ipod. found new love with tyler hilton. tonight, ive got to get out of the house before i explode. not before i finish half of my book though, so maybe i wont be going out tonight.
ive developed a new interest in photography as well. i dont know, something about capturing a moment is facinating to me. and its an adventure in artistic expression i have yet to explore. esp. now that ill be down on the river again soon, more opportunities for cool shots. so we'll see if antyhing come out of that. i have to read scarlett pimpernell before i get my new camera though.
big tmac test monday, back to studying...

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: pink and black -- tyler hilton

just got in.

tonight was nothing to brag about: went out with nige, saw ring two, thats about it. although, i did hear form a very old friend, an excellent friend from camp. ahh, soo happy to hear from him, what good memories that brought back as well. jeremy garber hunny i miss you like crazy!

also, last night, caught up with miss katherine mitchell, the greatest aussie councelor of all time, and my favorite dag. yes dag is in fact an australian term of affection. Dag: noun, the shit that sticks to the fleece around a sheeps ass and dries in the sun.

its been a good weekend for reconnecting with fwfers...love you guys!!

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: gin and juice -- OAR

Without any long explanations or reasons for where this came from, and what provoked it, this is basically the result of a lot of self reflection. I was spending too much time on trying to get to know and understand other people, and I finally realized that I didn't even really know who I was.

So, heres my rant. You don't have to read it if you don't want to, no one's making you. This is my space, I'll post whatever I want.

I'm a chill girl, and I dont take things too seriously. I don't like to hold grudges, it isn't my style. I've become very grateful in life for the things I have over come. The many falls I have taken emotional and physically are very stressful and have taken their toll, but I do not regret any of the negative things or set backs I've experienced in my life. I look at them as small stones to step over. The constant reminders and everything else are the things that get me going. They are also the things that keep me the most grounded. I've finally become able to accept who I am and all my faults. It probobly doesn't sound like much but it's something I am proud of and am also proud to share. I don't judge people because I feel that is down right pathetic and rude. It pisses me off when I see a bunch of people picking on someone because they aren't as pretty, or aren't as thin or maybe have something wrong with them. I don't care who you are, or what you look like. It doesnt matter, and none of that bullshit is important in life. I've learned that.

I've finally let go, and now I'm ready to move on...

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: golden years -- bowie

i just give up.

i really do. finally, finally things were picking up. i realized how stupid i was being, dwelling on negativity doesnt get anybody anywhere, and the A+ on my math test had a lot to do with my mood swing as well.
but now im right back to where i started, and its worse this time because now i feel like a fool. i failed. and does it get better? of course it does, this is life not some holywood interpretation. i cant even write out my thoughts and figure everything out because, well, im sure your reading this, so i wont go on. but to everyone else, its exactly what youre thinking. ask if you must.
now ive got to move on, again. lucky me the wounds arent that deep this time, and my recovery wont be nearly as involved. but all the same: its gone. what a waste.
i cant even talk anymore. maybe ill drop in later, fill in details, or maybe not. i guess if you care enough youll ask for details. but maybe you wont. its your call.

welcome home jc.

Current Mood: angry
Current Music: over and over

i dont even know how i feel anymore.

im not even going to waste time desciribing school today. it was boring, nothing eventful or out of the ordinary. morah ricki was crazy today, after my painful hour of tutoring i was forced to endure another 20 minutes of "life is beautiful, the world is beautiful" speech. kim almost shat her pants, she caught wind of it outside the door. ricki was pissed because i wasnt taking school seriously enough anymore and i stopped diong my hebrew homework. theres a perfectly logical reason for that though: no one gives a damn. my teacher doesnt care, doesnt check homework, and i get Bs whether i study or not. ah, well, i was bound to get it sometime or another. i hate this time of year: its cold, theres no snow, and its not spring. its that stupid in-between crap that drives me insane. but thats not even the half of it anymore. i dont know why things are the way they are, i just know how they are. i dont know how i feel, and i dont know why i cant decide. theres a million possibilities, and its so overwhelming.

i think i knew what i was getting myself into, but i forced myself into it with an optomistic attitude that blinded me from reality. well, now ive hit cold-hard reality head-on, and i dont know what to do. its scary, because i dont know where to go from here. its so hard to plan your future and your direction, because there will always be other people in your life, influencing your outcome. im ready to just go to bed and forget this all...

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: last kiss

ah, life is finally taking a turn for the better. school was okay, not great, but better than it has been. classes went by fast because of town meeting, which had to be the dumbest thing ive ever wasted my time doing, but sitting with miller made it that much more exciting. finished my detentions today, and mrs. lehrer personally let me tear up the ridiculous pink slip. after school i spent an hour and a half with maxy, with a short alex-poi spinning break. hes not half bad, but i still made fun of his posture for the hell of making fun of him. maxy and i talked forever, and i think i finally let out a lot of the steam i was holding in. went to tutoring afterwards, and stopped by genardis to get food. then, heres what really made my day: i was in line forever behind this woman that couldnt count and kept accusing the cashier of an error. retard. i was getting pissed again, and finally the cashier just gave her money and told her to go away. i gave her the 10 bucks for the food and she starts asking me about some stupid clubcard because if i have it i could save lots of money. i said no, and then the cutest old man youve ever seen in your life says here let her use mine, young kids can never have too much money. btu he was so sincere about it, and he didnt even put a second thought to it, he just did it. its funny how the simplest things like that can wake you up to the whole world, well, almost. i suddenly realized that i was focusing so much on a pessimistic attitude, that i couldnt even take the time to realize what i still had. but i guess thats part of the main-line life package: spoiled rich kids become spoiled brats, and then become spoiled adults with plastic faces, silicone boobs, and lipo-ed bodies. everything here is so fake, and so superficial. that little old guy was the cutest thing ive ever seen, and he was just such a happy old man, it really shoved me right back into reality. of course, nothing i was upset about before has been resolved by any means, but it reminded me of things i was neglecting while i was in my own little world. i think we all focus on things that we hate more than we should. food for thought i guess.

Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: sweater song -- weeeezer

what a yucky day. life is not improving, for me or for anyone else. thats the worst of it. its not so bad when your in a bad mood and you have someone happy to talk to to cheer you up, but when everyone you know is in a sucky mood no one wants to talk, no one wants to listen, and no one is feeling any better.
school today: mediocre. detention today: stupid. lost that damnned sister of my heart shit too, so i had to go and spend 15$ on another one, which made everyone pleasently unhappy, possibly even unhappier than they already were. after school, went to wawa with maxy. sadly, it was the most fun ive had in a long time. honked his horn several times, which just made the trip down montgomery that much more exciting. back at school, i watched the seussical cast do some dance/pilates stuff. seriously, how much more of an exciting day could i have asked for.
cinderella said to snow white how could love get so off course? all i wanted was a white knight, with a good heart, soft touch, fast horse. ride me off into the sunset...

take me away, make all this pain dissappear.

Current Mood: numb
Current Music: this kiss

go on, go on...

what a beautiful night, absolutely spectacular. havent left the house since friday, when i came home from school, so ive had the worlds worst case of cabin fever...ever, so it felt good to be free. even mother nature was celebrating: the stars were out, the air was really clean and brisk, and the moon was shining like nothing you've ever seen, and on the radio (B101.1 of course, when both parents are in the car, im out numbered and they get choice of radio), they were playing that old song, no idea what its even called, but its the one that goes "i knew i loved you before i met you, i think i dreamed you into life". yeah, that really old one. well, anyway, it brought back memories of when i was younger, and my first ever crush: andrew kissner. life seemed so much simpler then; but thinking back i remember how much it sucked, and how every day was painful. i was absolutely in love with that kid for 4 years till i realized what a douche i was being. ahh well, love does crazy things sometimes. anyway, with the windows down and singing along tothe oldest song on earth, it occured to me that things are only what you make of them. andrew was a big deal then, but i havent thougth about him in so long, i cant even remember. and everything else thats happened in my life, only the really eventful things are going to stick out of my memory, and you're just going to end up remembering things the way you want to. and then, believe it or not, i realize dhow much fun i had this weekend. haha, i know at least three people are laughing right now, because i was really upset all weekend. but i kind of remember it as being fun. i didnt do anything, the only people i tlaked to were my parents, alex, max, and nigel, but i just remember having fun. weird. maybe it was my dinner date. maybe it was the phone calls when i was trying to be brave and not cry. maybe it was networking with miller on MySpace. maybe it was reading 3 hours worth of livejournals. ahh who knows, and who cares.

leave me breathless...

we went to minella's, mediocre as always. mom and i shared a belgium waffle with chocolate and strawberry ice cream on top. met a guy in the bathroom from villanova university, long story. apparently he was drunk and "didnt know what he was doing". retard.

and if there's no tomorrow, and all we have is here and now...

sang sheryl crow songs with mom all the way home (actually, sang "soak up the sun" about 3 1/2 times through till dad really sped up the car to get us home faster). shes in a good mood, and apologized about thursday and friday, but tried desperately to justify it, which failed miserable, but i commend her efforts. its not easy to apologize and admit you were a total idiot, so she proved to me that im not being raised by a total nut case, although i dont forgive her yet. ah well, better days are yet to come. and to all who supported me and helped me out this weekend, wow cant thank you enough. even with my depressing rants and tears and drama, you still stood by me. thanks for that.

im happy just to have you, your love is all i need somehow...

Current Mood: loved, grateful, and happy
Current Music: singin to my own tune...

feel like a fool.

yesterday was horrible. the past two days were horrible. i went to conestoga on wednesday again, cut school and visited with nigel. i cut last period to spend time with one of his freinds, because i wasnt in the mood to sit through an algebra 2 class where the teacher was a former marine sargent. gave the kid my number, said goodbye to nigel, and went home. thursday was retarted, we had some stupid humanities conference, and during the key-note speaker, an ex-sudan slave, i sat in between maxy and alex. we were messin around a little bit, but not disrespectful by any means. mrs. lehrer came into my 6th period class and asked to see me. i couldnt even imagine what id done now. ive spent half this year in her office for the most ridiculous fights with some of the judaic studies teachers that are absolute gentile haters. i went into her office, and max and alex are already there, and i completely froze. it was like some stupid dream, the whole speech we got was totally blown out of proportion, and totally veered towards me. it was all about how i kept talking and fliritng and being disrespectful to a guy that A) couldnt speak english and B) couldnt see me. i just brushed it off, i didnt really care. i didnt hear from nigel thursday which pissed me off because we had made plans for friday. then my mom came home. my mom is pretty fucked up, and psycologically very inbalanced. shes just crazy. she freaked out at me because one of nigels' firends that i met on wednesday called to say hi. it went from being too provacative to having no direction in my life. she yelled forever, it felt like hours. my mom and mrs. lehrer both accused me of being a whore on the same day. ill admit im flirtatious, but i flirt with everyone: guys and girls. i wouldnt even put it in the category of flirting but if you want to then fine, be my guest. its just how i am and if anyone cant accept that then they can just go fuck tehmselves because its my life and im fucking going to live it the way i want to. my purpose in life is to have a good time. back to my mother. she went crazy, and then said that i wasnt allowed to go out on friday because we were going to have some stupid "family conference that is long overdue". my mom says things like that a lot, so i didn't really pay any attention to her. friday morning, the entire morning, in the house, on the way to school, ever word out of anyone's mouth was about me and what had happened. teh whole time, i couldnt even believe it. this entire thing was brought baout a phone call from a kid that i just met. whatever, it was stupid and i just let my mom talk. so she started with why do i have more guy fiends than girl friends. i've gotten that one before, its nothing new. but then all this otehr shit was brought to the table. the list goes on forever. usually i dont care, but she hit every single sore point in my life, everything she could insult she did, without fail. i couldnt believe my own mother was saying all this about me. i went into school and had a panic attack, its been a while since ive had one of those, and i lost complete control. i left bible to compose myself in time for health. of course i hit the red 10 minutes into discussion about our stress projects. then a latin test i didnt even know i had. test went into break, and by the time i had goten to my locker i was ready to collapse again. i was so lookin forward to finding haley, who was the only person with a shoulder to cry on. my math teacher, mr. lachenmeyer come up out of nowhere and asks me to come into his office and told me that my mom called about the B+ i had gotten on my test. i showed him the problem that i had gotten wrong but that my mom thought i should get credit for. lucky me the bell rang before i escaped his office, so i missed my only 20 minutes of sanity.

...

i dont even remember what else happened. i put up a wall that blocked out the entire world, leaving me alone, leaving me safe. i used to live in this little box, scared of what the outside world had in store for me. scared of the hate and the gross unpleasentness of life. i lived in my own little world, and i retreated to that for safety. there was nothing else to do, no one else to trust. i was left alone, just me and my thoughts. i saw everyone around me, but i retained nothing, and i avoided eye contact and any form of conversation. i was too vulnerable, my entire world was shattered. my entire philosophy of life was in check, and the first test of my true character failed. i was a dependent child again, but this time my mommy wasnt there. i had to do this all on my own, and i had to handle myself accordingly. last night i spent hours talking to alex, and just like i had been there for him, he turned it around and was there for me. i didnt even have to explain anything to him, he took the initiative and for the first time that entire day i smiled. thanks alex.

...

im young, i know. i have my whole life ahead of me, i know. in 20 years, everything thats happened wont matter. but we live in the present. the future is important, yes, but what you do now defines your character and paves the road for your future. now i know, just keep doin your thing, the rest will fall into place. dont expect anything else like this any time soon. theres anough drama in everyones lives without adding my issues to anybodys list, including my own.

nige -- call me.

Current Mood: relieved
Current Music: get right *fades to oar...*

your feeling maroon.


well your not feeling blue because your not really sad and your not really green with envy, but your nto okay with things and how they are, so your not all yellow and mellow. so your feeling maroon, because, well, your feeling all sorts of things, and theres no other name for it, and because i just dont really like that color to begin with.

today, boring of course, another very routine tuesday. got to leave early though...which was amazing, havent gotten hoem from school during daylight in sooo long, i cant even rememebr the lst time that happened. cooked dinner with the madre, mmm steak, sushi-rice and mushrooms (delicious).

to my dear alex, feel better, feel so much better.

Current Mood: mix
Current Music: i just wanna live

Wow.

what a funny monday. after school: hung out with alex till 6ish...same place, same position. then left school and went to pick up my moms sweater that she ripped, turns out she lives on the same street and nigel, so i stopped by. his mom came home, and we went out for dinner, to bertucci's. yummmy (with three m's, haley style of course). conversation at dinner turned into nigel and mother trying hopelessly to out-do one another with embarassing stories. nigel's were hilarious...turns out to be quite the pimp as a youngster. he actually got kicked off the bus in kindergarden. they wouldnt let him ride because he would kiss every single girl that got off the bus, and they kicked him off for inappropriate sexual behavior. and he was prince charming in the kindergarden play. my my, he started young didnt he. well the night didtn get any better when i got dropped off, i left my keys in my moms car and the doorbell suddenly stopped working so i assumed that my parents werent home, which was actually really stupid...both cell phones were off which automatically assumes that they were home but im retarted. anyway, went to neighbors house to get key, which turns out does not work, all the while nige's mom was throwin a piss fit to go home and sleep afer a rough work day. i finally called the house phone and mom answered the door, and i had a spaz attack and apologized about a billion times.

but nothin beats yesterday's mayo incident. my sister p0ut a glob of mayo on a plastic spoon, hits me in the face and starts pissing her pants. as im trying in vain to get the goddamn mayo off my fucking face, my sister was like "haha, it looks like you just gave head to an elephant!" i didnt even know that she knew what that meant. abosolutely fucking ridiculous. what a crazy family.

Current Mood: devious
Current Music: how i could jsut kill a man

well well well...

was going to go to townhall concert friday night at the TLA with haley and alex, unfortunatly the preliminary plans fell through, but what a night it was. I went out to dinner with my parents, my sister, and of course, nigel. now, just to put things into perspective, my sister is so obnoxious, and the first words that came out of her mouth when she saw nigel in his cute abercrombie navy turtle neck sweater was: "mom, you were right...nigel is hott!" oy vey, what a way to start the night. my sister is moving back to europe, so of course all conversational topics related either to her or to europe, one way or another. we'd be talking about motorcycles and the conversation would turn to mopeds in Italy. we'd be talkign abotu skiing, all of a sudden we were listening to jane babble on and on about some stupid glacier in Italy where you can ski during the summer. nigel was trying so hard to be polite, but even he cudnt keep a straight face. and on top of everything else, she was buzzed from a couple martinis she'd had around 5 last night with an ex-coworker. thats one way to score an invitation to my sister's new home in milan, get her drunk first, and THEN ask. so not only was she her usual obnoxious self, but her gestures were very overexagerated, and she was vary detailed about the sound effects of mopeds...so embarassing. it was fun though, i have to admit. and of course, it was nice spending time with nigel again.

i saw Farenheight 9/11 last night too, when we got home. it was funny as hell, but so repetitive that it got boring. and michael moor is a persistant asshole, which made the movie even more annoying.

today--cleaned sister's apartment for a lousy 7$ an hour. but lucky for me i scored all her old shit...*grins* also erged my first 6k this week--pulled a 2:21 split *ugh* and my time was a weak 31 minutes--have got to get those numbers down. but i have an excuse, i answered my cell for about 30 seconds, during which i erged with just one hand.

*how can i feel nothing and everything, all at once?*

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: when i get home -- townhall